SWORD ART ONLINE: EPISODE 14

Dear Sword Art Online Staff,

Hello, my name is Elijah Lee and I am ten years old. I have been watching your show ever since the summer, even though my parents tell me that the show will probably rot my brains because it sucks. But I always told them that the light novels are so great and super-fantastic, and that they were not giving your show a chance! Now that I've seen episode 14, I really do think Sword Art Online is the best show ever made, even better than that boring Cowboy Bebop or Gurren Lagann or Madoka, or any of the other stuff boring grown-ups like so much. Now I'm going to explain to you why I think this episode is the best I've ever seen. Ready? Okay, let's go!

Sword Art Online. Copyright - Reki Kawahara, A-1 Pictures.

Making Heathcliff really Kayaba Akihiko was really smart, or that's what my dad says. Daddy said it was a plot twist that was better than anything M. Night Shyalaman could come up with, so that makes it really good. Yeah, that's what he said, and I believe him because daddy is always right. But then daddy stormed out of the room and started throwing things because he didn't like that Kayaba gave Kirito a shortcut to beating the game. Daddy says it was a... “cop-out.” Yeah, he said, “Elijah, I want you to know that the writers for this show are trying too hard to rush through the light novels, and they just want to get audiences into the next virtual world already.” I told him that it's important to squeeze the story into the show as much as possible, because everyone liked the books and they just have to make the episodes fit all the good stuff in. Daddy just ignored me and kept watching the show, but he was mad, I could tell.

Sword Art Online. Copyright - Reki Kawahara, A-1 Pictures.

I was excited when watching the fight between Kirito and Kayaba, but sad when Asuna got in the way and died. Then Kirito died too, but he didn't really die. He just turned white and shiny, and then he came back and stabbed the bad guy and then they both died. But they didn't really die, because then they were in the sky looking at the floating castle crumble. Daddy almost grabbed the television and threw it out the window (he always does that when he watches an anime he doesn't like), but mommy smacked him and he calmed down. Daddy sat back on the sofa and rubbed my head softly. He told me, “Elijah, if you ever write an anime script someday, don't make your character die and then magically come back to life. You see, doing that cheapens the value of life. It is an overused convention in anime that finds no logical grounding in Sword Art Online, especially considering the fact that death was the only thing to fear in the show. Now I am thoroughly convinced that Kirito is a god. He is like Superman, and everyone knows Superman is boring because no one can hurt him.”

Sword Art Online. Copyright - Reki Kawahara, A-1 Pictures.

I almost cried when Asuna and Kirito cried and were hugging when the world was destroyed. Mommy was laughing at daddy because she said a tear was falling from his eyes. Daddy got mad and left the room, and he didn't come back. Mommy sat on the couch and asked me to sit next to her, and then she told me, “Don't mind your father, he gets emotional at this kind of stuff despite his usually mean comments. I think that Asuna and Kirito's romantic relationship made no sense at first, but now that I'm watching it, I think the show wraps up their arc quite nicely. It's easy to tell they rely on each other for strength, and that makes them better characters. Ha,your father and I used to snuggle like Kirito and Asuna... until he became an anime review writer and fell in love with his job. He would never jump in front of a sword to save me.”

Sword Art Online. Copyright - Reki Kawahara, A-1 Pictures.

At the end of the episode, I clapped because Kirito was alive and left the hospital to get Asuna. I was in the room by myself watching the show, because mommy went to scream at daddy for being too upset about the show. I went upstairs to my room and started reading the light novels again because I liked the show so much. Daddy came up and sat on the side of my bed to talk to me. I think mommy forced him to apologize, because she was standing in the doorway staring at him. Anyway, daddy told me, “ Look son, I'm sorry for my frequent outbursts earlier while watching Sword Art Online. When you get older, you'll understand that a lot of anime absolutely sucks – trust me, I'm an anime critic.” Mommy smacked him upside the head and told him to be serious. He got mad but continued to tell me, “Sword Art Online was written by a man who probably watched too many soap operas when growing up. He probably felt impotent and wanted to create a fictitious world where the main character is all-powerful, his wife can cook and is willing to die for him, and he is friends with the only black guy in town, which makes him cooler than everyone else who isn't friends with the black guy. All the girls like Kirito because the writer wishes that were true in real life. Sword Art Online provided audiences with a hackneyed ending that makes the entire gaming experience futile because Kirito proved anyone can escape death. What the anime should have done is stretch out this first arc into 26 episodes, which would have fixed the infinite pacing errors the show had. But hey, if it's popular, nothing I say matters, right?”

Sword Art Online. Copyright - Reki Kawahara, A-1 Pictures.

Daddy got up from the bed and kissed me on the forehead. He said, “Enjoy your book, son,” and then he left.

I don't know why daddy was so mad. He really liked episode 13 of Sword Art Online, and thought it was going to lead to a really good season. But after today, I think he might make me sit down to watch shows that he likes better. I don't like his shows, because they're so boring. Daddy says that I can't fathom the quality of good shows because I'm used to garbage. Sword Art Online was great. Can you tell him how good it was, because he won't listen to me. Thank you very much!

- Elijah Lee